(This post is seventh in the series 7 Reasons Women Stay in Bad Relationships. To read the other posts in this series, go here, and read the posts starting from the bottom one up.)
Today we’ll consider as a factor that often contributes to women continuing in relationships they should leave the natural desire not to be publicly embarrassed.
The bottom line is that no one likes having their dirty laundry aired in public. But if you’re a woman who is considering breaking up with your husband (or a man with whom you’ve been in a long-term relationship) because he is emotionally or physically abusive to you, then part of what you’re facing is knowing that carrying through with that break-up means that a lot of people who know you are going to know a lot more about you than it’s likely you ever wanted them to.
And none of what they learn will be pretty. They’ll learn that as a way of life you allowed yourself to be abused, maligned, shamed. They may learn that for all the time you told them how happy you are in your relationship, you were lying. If there are children involved, they may learn that, to whatever degree, you morally transgressed against your maternal obligation by not sooner getting those children out of that situation.
And if you’re a church-going Christian woman then you may understand that once you initiate a divorce from your husband, some members of your church are going to condemn you for so failing to embody the love of Jesus that your marriage fell apart.
Fear of this kind of public humiliation may not be the primary factor keeping a woman in an abusive relationships, but it can carry significant weight. We are all social creatures, and want few things less than we do our private shame becoming public.
At a zoo I once saw an ape who had to pee turn his back on those of us at the observation rail so that he could secure for himself at least that much privacy.
If an ape so desires to keep his business private, how much more must we? (Relax, creationists: this isn’t the same as saying we come from apes. Though, in truth, looking at the embarrassed expression on that ape’s face as he looked back over his shoulder at us whilst tending to his biological need made it a little difficult to imagine we’re not in some profoundly organic way connected to that particular order of being. I sure never noticed my dog minding who sees him pee.)
So. More Monday on how to overcome the fear of what you must do in private becoming known in public. For now, let me just say to any woman who might be in need of immediate galvanization: [expletive deleted] what other people think. A person not impressed and encouraged by another person radically improving their life is a person wasting away in their own toxicity anyway. Caring what such a person thinks of you is like deciding that dog doo-doo on them enhances the appeal of your new pair of shoes.
More Monday. (Next piece on John tomorrow.) Thanks.
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I hear the worst things from Christians on this. I’m by no means a relativist, but so many Christians make snap judgements before knowing the situation. In the situations you’re talking about–abuse and such–I agree that the safest and healthiest thing to do is to get out. The worst is when I’ve heard scripture twisted to convince a woman to stay where she is not safe.
That is the worst. Thanks for putting it as you have.
I know one case where a Christian friend was struggling with these very issues. The condemnation of good Christians, not to mention her own condemnation of herself was very heavy. My wife and I assured her (many times) that her husband had long since abandoned her. The official paperwork, as recognized by the state, may be missing but the relationship was severed long ago by her husband. She finally filed for divorce and it has gone through. It took about 4 years from the first time we spoke with her.
Even still, she’s was so extremely careful to not date anyone at all until she received the official divorce papers in the mail from the state… lest someone (including herself) point and say adulteress.
Ric: Amazing. It’s good for that woman that you and your wife were there for her. And it’s a great point you made to her, too. Wonderful. Tough stuff.
May I repeat myself…this is an excellent series John. Well thought-out and expressed. Thank you.
Thanks, Lynn. I appreciate it, very much.
Great words of wisdom and it’s tragic that so much of the church today has lost touch with reality.
The bit about the ape was definitely the laugh of the day though. You seem to have a way with words.
Stuart
Thanks, Stuart. I can’t imagine how long ago it was that I saw that ape do that. It just knocked me out. It seemed like the whole zoo needed to be shut down that instant, and someone had to build that ape a … well, stall.
“A person not impressed and encouraged by another person radically improving their life is a person wasting away in their own toxicity anyway.”
WOW, does this ever ring true. Made me wanna say “AMEN”!